What makes a family healthy?

Parents who organize themselves in ways that empower them and their kids.

So how do we do that? Work harder? Work smarter? Work longer?

I chose this picture of the Avengers because even superheroes need to prioritize what it takes to effectively collaborate to overcome their challenges. "Civil War" was all about this.

United we stand; divided we fall. And there's no way we or our family members can be and do our best when we're divided. This is a profound, primary human challenge.

That which causes disintegration is brilliantly insidious. It commonly goes on right beneath our noses. Those who are naive and simple, think it's an external problem. "If people could just get it together, make the right choices..."

But the dilemma is not solved by blaming and judging others. It's mostly about dealing with the ongoing chatter in our heads and subterranean feelings in our hearts. Together they either dismantle our unity or liberate us to bond deeply. 

Working at our jobs will not empower us in this area.

Financial success and material wealth won't either.

It's what you pay most attention to.
It's what you feel most often.
It's what you do with your time to grow integration.

What we know and how it makes us feel determine decisions and actions. The thoughts, feelings, and actions that fill up our time profoundly affect our relationships and our souls. This is what creates cultures and cultures sustain conditions that impact and shape long-term growth and wellness for everyone in it. 

Because of all this, we need to develop and mature our organizing principle (o.p.). Whatever it is, it will determine how we manage these highly significant areas of life which result in the cultures we create.

What kind of culture has your organizing principle produced? Abdication? Over-protection? Domination? Or does it liberate everyone in your family to be and do their best?

Does your o.p. foster inspiration, creativity, innovation, intimacy, rest, recreation, meaningful collaboration? These are essential to solving the toughest problems that disintegrate our families and organizations.

Is your o.p. even your own? Maybe you simply adopted whatever was given you by your culture or family of origin. It's not uncommon to have downloaded it in your youth and never have even realized it's been running things. I've never found these to produce thriving results. More often than not, they are root sources of dysfunction. As such, they definitely don't do much empowering.

If your o.p. is binding you to fear, leaving you with anxiety and insecurity, causing you chronic stress, giving you an unhealthy body, and compromising your will, maybe it's time to ditch it.

Have you gone to Galilee?

It's away from the 'temple'; it's where Gentiles lived; it's where the 'less devout Jews' lived; it's where Jesus called home.

‘He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see Him.’

As I did some Easter reading this past weekend, the mentions of Galilee in Matthew and Mark's gospels caught my attention.

Why Galilee? I hadn't really thought about it much before. Then it hit me. It's where Jesus did most of His ministry - preaching, teaching, and healing. It was a place looked down upon by the powerful and wealthy of that time. Nobody who was anybody ever saw anything significant about this region. It was just plain, ole common.

A huge lake was associated with Galilee and it was known for its fishing trade. This body of water was also known for massive, turbulent waves when storms arose. And there were several miracles that happened on this lake during substantial storms, ie. Jesus walking on it and helping His disciple Peter step out of a boat to stand on the water as well. 

But what might be a relevant understanding of this place for us?

Galilee reveals His heart and purposes. It provides a powerful element for our ideologies to help us see life with a transcendent perspective of hope and love. This region aptly reflects the thoughts expressed in this passage from Psalm 33:

10 The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
    he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
11 But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
    the purposes of his heart through all generations.

12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
    the people he chose for his inheritance.
13 From heaven the Lord looks down
    and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
    all who live on earth—
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
    who considers everything they do.

16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
    no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
    despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
    on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
    and keep them alive in famine.

20 We wait in hope for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
    even as we put our hope in you.

It's promises like this that help our souls be open to learning and taking actions to move forward, especially when we feel powerless, rejected, impoverished, unsupported, marginalized, persecuted, abandoned, forgotten.

Galilee represents the often overlooked place of deep needs. The resurrected Christ meets us there and invites us to make our home there with Him, ie. to find what really matters most. For it is there with Him that we can be vulnerable and unafraid of what others think; unafraid of mistakes and failures; we can be free to love and be loved; we will grow in the mastery of our stories and be empowered to act according to our most positive core values.

Outside of this abode, there are roles we take on in the world to provide services and products. If we become 'Galileans', I believe we will find greater success and fulfillment as transformative, redemptive agents who find the creative, innovative solutions to live lives which prioritize what matters most. This includes the moral choices to prevent harmful corruptive actions which we have seen many times throughout history up to the present.

When we experience this kind of transformation, things take on new meaning and our existence makes real sense. We will find our responses and behaviors much more in line with what helps our souls and relationships thrive. 

And this brings me to an underlying purpose to going to Galilee to see Jesus. Not going to church. Not becoming religious. Not any of the stereotypic things associated with following Christ.

Going to Galilee to make our home with the risen Son of God is forsaking all other voices and influences (culture, family of origin, our own reactive perceptions) in order to have true love become our ultimate resolve, the courage to choose life and not death, even when we feel like we have nothing left.

This is the vulnerability that empowers our mindset to have an insatiable desire to learn and a biased determination to act in order to redeem and improve whatever is dealt us, and not just for ourselves but for the blessing and betterment of others.

The place we call home and the spirit of that home is what fosters insatiable hunger for learning and bias towards powerful, positive action. These two things are required for success that is fulfilling and worth celebrating.

You are your story.

Does your story open your future to greater possibilities? Or is it limiting your love and leadership?

And the most potent parts of your story are the hardest parts. Pain, rejection, betrayal, trauma, disappointment, failures, loss, abuse - profoundly shape you; and how you've incorporated them (or not) into your story is how you got to where you're at today.

How you continue to manage your challenges and difficulties will determine your next chapters.

So is it generating love that produces authentic leadership? That is, are you becoming more and more of a loving person who leads others from a place of genuine courage and compassion?

"[True life-giving] leadership is love personified." Shayna Hammond (bracketed insertion is mine).

As spouses and parents, we can claim to have unfailing love but are we truly steadfast, humble, faithful leaders?

And what does it take to lead our families in this way?

Redemption.

When we are living the process of personal redemption, we are empowered with new capacities, abilities, priorities from a new mindset, a new spirit. This process radically changes our core beliefs and values to align with true love. This love will help us become life-giving leaders who generate and foster greater leadership in future generations.

Redemption is a process that releases us from outdated, limiting beliefs and rules and transforms our souls with liberating truth as we see and understand with a big picture of greater, unfettered perception.

This is how we make life not about us but about those we love, in long term sustainable ways rather than dysfunctional, debilitating ways like over-scheduling, over-protecting, spoiling, or doing everything for them.

What does it take to survive the redemptive process?

Humility and grit.

Not smarts. Not talent. Not money. Just courageous accurate assessment and facing of emotionally tough stuff and long term staying power. Abiding in a place of truthful perceptions about self, others, and God to develop a story that embraces joy and pain, love and fear, suffering and shame but also resilience, renewal, transformation and learning. 

When we experience this level of change, our courage and compassion are validated and our love-based beliefs are vindicated. 

As parents, we cannot afford to not regularly, consistently work on our stories. If we don't, we will fall into the pits of irrelevance and irrationality. Moreover, we miss the mark of leaving a legacy to benefit our children and their children and beyond. 

It begins with vulnerability...

...the root of fundamental change.

(From Brene Brown) It's the birthplace of joy, belonging, creativity, authenticity, love, laughter, joy, play; the origin for innovation, adaptability, accountability, and visionary leadership - essentials for effective parenting.

Here are some symptoms of invulnerability: 

• Always trying to prove, please, perfect, perform
• Trying to ward off disappointment with a shield of cynicism
• Trying to disarm shame by numbing ourselves
• Trying to circumvent grief by shutting off our willingness to love
• Being judgmental, perfectionistic, always comparing self to other people, ranking everything, very little play, too much work
• Paying a high price for trying to live up to expectations. Sacrificing our greatest potential (of being great spouses and parents) for unexamined goals, rules and beliefs

If you seek change at this level, you'll open yourself to experiences that will bring greater purpose and meaning to your life. You'll lose your fear of being wrong and be freed to work on the hard things.

Wake up everyday and resolve that no matter what gets done, how much, or how things get done, think and act as one worthy of love and belonging. You don’t need to earn it. Yes, be responsible and strive for excellence but don't be driven by an instinct of not being enough.

This is actually what the Gospel of Jesus Christ was intended to communicate, that in God's perspective and all reality, we are enough, enough for Him to send His Son as propitiation for our sins.

Be open about heartbreak, betrayal and shame – engage the fear of not being worthy for real connection by courageously choosing compassion (especially for oneself) to connect rather than running away or putting on the armor of invulnerability.

Don't be afraid of broken heartedness. “I’m here and I’m going to love you fully and if you disappoint, hurt, betray, or cheat on me you’re going to devastate me and break my heart, but I’m not holding back because this is short.” 

Be willing to commit to the slow process of building real connection.

Being vulnerable is, in truth, our most accurate measure of courage.

If you grow in this way, what results can you expect?

Generation of a growth mindset

• Embracing challenges
• Persisting in arduous struggles
• Seeing effort as the path to mastery
• Learning from criticism
• Getting inspired by the success of others
• Reaching higher levels of achievement and fulfillment

If we want to create environments where everyone can learn, improve, develop, and find real solutions (especially to those parenting problems that have moms and dads flabbergasted and frustrated), we will need to foster freedom to make mistakes by eliminating insecurities, needs for approval, and other patterns driven by fixed mindesets and fear. 

When we can recognize mistakes, failures, and challenges (such as those that humiliate and shame us) as things to learn from rather than avoid, we will find the great value in them.

Positively understanding difficulties helps us initiate without fear of rejection, risk without fear of loss, move forward without need for total certainty, allowing ourselves to be deeply seen and known - flaws and all.

This requires us to exercise vulnerability by courageously believing we are worthy of love and belonging totally apart from what we do - this is absolutely necessary to being truly alive, passionate, whole hearted.

This frees us from settling for what has always been done, what is safe, or just bread crumbs of love, joy, and peace. We can approach those seemingly impossible relationship problems in our family with a different mindset than what brought about the problem. We can boldly explore where love and desire want to lead us!

Become better spouses, parents, and leaders who serve and develop future generations to do greater things with increased freedom, compassion and justice. 

What's challenging your sustainability?

What's keeping you out of the black?

• Quick fix mentality?
• Lack of energy to deal with deeper problems?
• Limited cognitive map of your challenge?
• Outdated perception 

When we're young, it's about survival and success. We work hard, we do what we can to make a living. But how we move from our 20's to our 30's and 40's will determine how we do in our 50's, and beyond. 

To truly last, we can't rely on mindsets running on quick fixes compelled by impatience and scarcity - not enough time, not enough energy, not enough heart. All this does is drive us towards conformity to fit in, to not rock the boat, to be like everyone else.

So what does it take?

Liberated leaders.

They're key. Freed from insecurity, obsession with control, and the limiting beliefs and outdated rules from our cultures and families of origin.

Change is a constant. If you have a family, each member is not the same person they were a year ago; sometimes it's obvious, sometimes not. Regardless, it's happening.

And not just your family, but society is changing with the multiplicative growth of technology. The markets and how business is done are also transitioning to greater sustainability, especially with regards to the emphasis and valuing of social capital - the often overlooked soft skills that build great relationships which result in cultures that grow organizations and companies by 10X and more.

With all that change going on, how well and effectively are you adapting? 

How do we get good at it?

Center on growth. Do this with thoughts and actions based on what all people need to become what they can and understanding the stages of development through the human lifespan.

Here's an excerpt from my book A Growth Centered Family (due to come out later this year) on liberated leaders:
 

"[Trust, autonomy, initiative, industry, identity, intimacy, generativity, and integrity]

A growth-centered family is a team led by leaders who cultivate these 8 qualities. In so doing, they liberate themselves and their children from cultural and family of origin dysfunctions. They’re protected from unhealthy conformities and pressures from those whose souls are based on scarcity rather than sufficiency.

Margaret Heffernan gives powerful,  historical examples of unhealthy conformities and pressures in her book, Willful Blindness. She cites devastating tragedies from the following: child abuse of Catholic diocese in Ireland of the late 20th century, the subprime mortgage fallout of the 2000’s under Alan Greenspan, the connection between x-raying pregnant women and children with cancer in the mid 20th century, the Enron scandal, the March 2005, BP refinery explosion  in Texas City, Texas, as well as the effects of exhaustion and drive for financial gain.

Essentially, liberating leadership is about growing ongoing maturation of our intrapersonal capacities which empower us to live and work successfully, healthfully, and sustainably with others. The psychosocial stages really help us see the significance of emotional and relational health. When needs (Maslow) are effectively met, the conflicts of each life stage (Erikson) are positively overcome, peace and strength are gained to move onto the next stage. When needs are not met, we’re exposed to the negative outcomes of each stage which get compounded in subsequent stages, contributing to willful blindness and large scale devastation.

Successful execution in these areas depends on how we lead ourselves. Are we leading ourselves towards integration or disintegration? "

Integration? Becoming whole. Whole hearted. Soulful. Transforming our mindset from scarcity to sufficiency. Start by improving how we meet our needs (Maslow's hierarchy), all of them; growing a perspective with courage, patience, kindness, respect, honesty; without envy, arrogance, pettiness, rudeness, keeping score and holding grudges. This is the Bible's definition of real love.

Living this way generates the mindset necessary to be free to lead oneself and others effectively and sustainably. Whether it's parenting problems or work related, pursue growing yourself to be a leader with sights and methods inline with the most desirable, longest term outcomes.

What will really help us scale up the business of raising our families?

Excerpt from my book, Growth-Centered Family:

What achieves more of the most meaningful ROI's (return on investments ) of deeper, heart-felt bonds, developing world-changing character and legacy level success?

Life. 

Not just making a living or having a life, but being alive!

What qualifies something as alive?

Movement: ‘Living organisms are distinguished from non living entities by the fact that they move; they are animated.’ Bruce Lipton, Biology of Belief

What does this mean for us on a practical, meaningful, everyday level?

Moving through stages of development - physically, emotionally, vocationally, relationally, professionally, spiritually, etc.

In other words, growth. If we’re not moving in this manner, it's likely we're stagnant and we're just ‘going through the motions’. Can anyone say, "Zombie"?

Looking at the figure, the bookends of trusting and being trustful are filled with movement; moving from trust to autonomy, initiative, industry, identity, intimacy, generativity, and integrity

Nature has plenty of ‘life movement’ examples; look at a tree. It starts off as a nut, which doesn't look like much (zero resemblance to a tree) but it has the entire plan inside. If it lands in a life-conducive environment, it will become animated and grow roots to establish pre-conditions to support the eventual, above ground growth.

When the tree starts looking like a tree, it will be implementing an incredible scaling up process of becoming something that gives us oxygen, possibly delicious fruit, shelter to other organisms and even multiply itself many times over.

All of this starts with its underground development. Nothing visible to the world; yet although unseen, the pre-conditions are absolutely essential and critical for the scaling up that will occur above the surface. If we want a healthy, long living tree, we don’t want to confine or contaminate the soil in which the roots are immersed. A vibrant, healthy root system is what makes it possible for the tree to continually grow season after season by keeping it firmly planted in life sustaining relationship with the earth.

Bringing this back to our dynamic, complex families, we need to cultivate healthy preconditions to develop the unseen 'root system' of every member. Just like the interaction between roots and soil, the environment and relationships we cultivate at home establish the pre-conditions for scaling up; without which, healthy, sustainable growth will not occur.

Being truly alive is growth and movement through the stages of life. It is achieved when we center on growth, functioning and behaving in ways that effectively meet the needs of our loved ones so they can grow too. This occurs mostly out of sight to the world. But when our homes are healthy with empowering preconditions, we’ll be blessed with experiencing the manifestations and expressions of each person's maturation. 

How do you know if you're really getting your needs met?

We all have needs.

Needs are must-have’s for life; neglecting a need is never good and results in dysfunction, decline, and death. When something's a need, we are instinctually motivated to fill it. Certainty and effectiveness in meeting the need increase when we are aware of it as well.

Maslow gave us a model to understand the progress of need emergence; it helps us see how to keep moving forward to fulfill our highest needs to really be all that we are and can become.

To effectively meet these needs, we've got to grow our understanding of them and how to meet them. When the deficiency needs are effectively met, we will experience the following:

• I have a wide range of emotions and express them appropriately.
• It is easy for me to ask for help and receive from others when I have needs.
• I can say “no” to others even when I know it will upset them.
• I’m adventuresome and I know how to play and have fun.
• I know I’m not perfect, and I give my loved ones room to disagree.

As the growth needs (top 4 of triangle) emerge, the following outcomes (from Barrett Values; bracketed family applications are mine; also second person referencing) can be experienced:

• In the face of turbulence and change [ie. the adolescent years], you prioritize culture and values  to become the major source of continuity and coherence, of renewal and sustainability.
• You imbue the organization [your family] with meaning that inspires today and endures tomorrow.
• You find an underlying purpose and a strong set of values that serve as a basis for longer-term decisions even in the midst of volatility [all the emotional highs and lows, uncertainty of transitions and direction choices].
• You find the common purpose and universal values that unite highly diverse people [members of your family] while still permitting individual identities to be expressed and enhanced.
• Emphasizing purpose and values helps you support and facilitate [your family] into a self-organizing network that can respond quickly to change because members share an understanding of the right thing to do. 

Why center on growth and bring out highest level needs?

Sustained generational life.

The human race will only improve and perpetuate continually when people have their transcendent needs met.

Could this be why Jesus' Beatitudes begin with "Blessed are the poor in spirit"? That the greatest joy and wellness begins with being aware of our highest need - spirit!

Without this awareness, we remain enslaved by distrust, fear, insecurities, addictions, hostility, and dissolutions.

Meeting physiological, safety, belonging, and esteem needs serves the purpose of manifesting our truest and best selves. But why do we (collectively) get stuck spending and being spent pursuing lower levels? I believe the enemy here is pragmatism birthed from mindsets of scarcity.

Huh?

It's what happens when people become parents who have not experienced a deep shift in their mindsets from scarcity to sufficiency. (Check out this video, especially 5:55 and on.) And most toxic are the unquestioned answers given to unsuspecting minds of young children and youth.

Unexamined, unconscious assumptions that drive unethical, unkind behaviors and cultures. Saw this clearly in a movie I recently watched, "Hidden Figures". 3 African-American women working for NASA in the 60's, who struggled and overcame the cultural challenges of unexamined, unconscious answers, ie. "That's the way it is." The grace with which they overcame was powerful and inspirational. 

It has robbed bazillions of people of their potential wisdom, success, spirituality, courage, compassion, freedom, and transcendence, which in turn has caused the deaths of quadbillions more; not trying to be dramatic but history is wrought with this reality. 

It is a grave error not to prioritize growth towards highest level need fulfillment, for others and ourselves. The growth needs of cognition, aesthetics, self actualization and transcendence are not nice-to-have’s but they are essential to our redemption and maturation, as individuals and as a race. “What a man can be, he must be.”

How common and relevant is this issue of not fulfilling highest needs? Let’s just consider the most common problem that families encounter: relational breakdown - husband and wife, parents and kids, siblings with each other, and of course the big one, parents and teens. Why do these occur? Parents prioritize and pursue career and income to provide for the lowest level needs. In the process of working 50-80 hour weeks, they marginalize and even sacrifice the needs for belonging, love, and esteem - their kids and their own. Attempts are made to make things work but often they fall flat because to solve their dilemmas, they’re using the same scarcity mindset / consciousness  that created the problem. Albert Einstein put it this way, “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.”

Centering on growth increases intention, attention, and repetition of thoughts and actions to break free from the neglect and ineffective meeting of essential needs (all levels) so that the highest ones will surface and motivate us to be what we can and what we must. 

Newsletter: What is your central value and priority in life?

Does your center have enough mass, light, and heat? View this email in your browser Why mass, light, and heat? Life. If we want growth versus stagnation or decline, we need a central value and priority that enlivens us! For many, it's money. But how does money fair against the following descriptions of a life-generating center? We need our center to enable us to see what's really going on in the things that matter most - what is happening with our souls, the souls of those we love most, and the connections between us. We also need our center to energize us to believe and love our families through thick and thin - to be motivated to work through and overcome the most significant challenges to growing intimacy, generativity, and integrity.  If our center does not do those things, it is likely running on codes of scarcity: "There's not enough." (time, money, resources, opportunities, etc) "More is always better." (especially money) "That's just the way it is." (scarcity is the universal, eternal, presiding truth) Lynne Twist  goes into detail in her book, The Soul of Money.  In contrast to scarcity, she also identifies and explains the life generating code of sufficiency: "Sufficiency is an act of generating, distinguishing, making known to ourselves, the power and presence of our existing resources, and our inner resources. Sufficiency is a context we bring forth from within that reminds us that if we look around us and within ourselves, we will find what we need. There is always enough." Question is does our center encourage us to live out this belief? If it does, we are freed to grow towards the maturity of wholeness, where we can experience life abundant, regardless of how much money we have or don't have.  It really boils down to what we subconsciously, instinctively believe about ourselves - we are not enough / we are enough. What kind of center is driving your soul? Your family? Your organization? If it's scarcity, health and growth are likely lacking. If it's sufficiency, I'll bet there's blessing and thriving! A coaching partnership creates structure and commitment to give time and attention to discovering and developing your desired center to achieve more of what matters most to you. Book some time and let's chat!   Cecil Wong is a Certified Life Coach from San Francisco, California with over 25 years of experience in leadership and teaching. He works with children, families, individuals, organizations and companies, combining personal and professional development. Life coaching is all about getting clear about your dreams and putting the practical pieces in place to make them happen.  Family Connections Coaching is about achieving more of what matters most. Check out revamped website! FamilyConnectionsCoaching.com FamilyConnectionsCoach@gmail.com 415.420.8719  Over this past year Cecil has been a great source of encouragement and clarity in helping me break down how to pursue my goals.  I’ve never been more aware of the inner workings within myself and they so often directly correlate to the outworking of my goals.  From areas of pursuing professional growth, straightening relationship, or achieving balance and rest, Cecil has been consistent in helping me realize the obstacles and the simple steps necessary to overcome them.  I highly recommend Cecil in his coaching as I know he will be a great source of encouragement in helping anyone reach higher goals and success.  Billy W., Phillipines   More testimonials > ________________________ Click on the gorilla for some of Jim Collins' thoughts about B.H.A.G.'s: Click this pic for some of my thoughts on a faith BHAG:   Pull the trigger on pursuing the dream of something huge and audacious, that will rock your world and bless your relationships, maybe even change THE world!      Copyright © *|CURRENT_YEAR|* *|LIST:COMPANY|*, All rights reserved. *|IFNOT:ARCHIVE_PAGE|* *|LIST:DESCRIPTION|* Our mailing address is: *|HTML:LIST_ADDRESS_HTML|* *|END:IF|* Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list *|IF:REWARDS|* *|HTML:REWARDS|* *|END:IF|*

Newsletter: What is your central value and how does it help your family?

What is your Center and how is it helping you and your family? View this email in your browser We all have one but when was the last time you evaluated it? For a happy new year, how about contemplating its effects on you and your family? Your organization? If it's work, your relationships are likely compromised as you may not be as present as others need you to be. You might think work is supposed to be central at work; just makes sense, right? Healthy families, businesses and organizations know it's always about people. Period. If it's play, your responsibilities might be neglected. Joyful play is essential but if it inhibits your contributions to healthy functioning of your home or organization, it will diminish not only your productivity, but also your sense of self-worth. If it's negativity, you're probably not very good company. Your emotional health has been compromised, decreasing your energy, leading to less and less movement. Less movement is less life as movement is a primary indicator of something being alive. However, if it it's growth, you're aligned with the universe and ready to learn, change, and develop to discover and experience success, freedom and fulfillment of meaning and purpose. 2 primary parameters for effective functioning in our universe are time and life. Managers (supervisors and parents) in general have long neglected these and countless people have suffered from the lack of wisdom and understanding into what happens to life as time passes, whether it's the life of an individual or the organization. Check out this article from the May-June 1998 issue of Harvard Business Review. Here's the conclusion: "Clearly, there is still much to learn about processes of development in organizations. The phases outlined here are merely five in number and are still only approximations. Researchers are just beginning to study the specific developmental problems of structure, control, rewards, and management style in different industries and in a variety of cultures. One should not, however, wait for conclusive evidence before educating managers to think and act from a developmental perspective (bold italics are mine). The critical dimension of time has been missing for too long from our management theories and practices. The intriguing paradox is that by learning more about history, we may do a better job in the future." Just think about the struggle we parents have with our kids as they become teenagers. The first decade is a joy; but by age 12, our worlds are turned upside down. Conflicts and relational break down occur from holding onto what used to work, what other parents are doing, or what we've 'know' is best. Holding onto ineffective solutions is indicative of a non-growth center. What's missing? A center that generates and fosters thinking and acting from a developmental perspective with data and knowledge about the various stages of human maturation; not only childhood and adolescent stages but also the seasoned ones ie. intimacy, generativity, and integrity. Lacking intimate knowledge of our kids due to shallow or weak relationships will compound this problem.  I'm currently working on a book titled, A Growth Centered Family. Here's an excerpt: "A growth centered family is a unit of people living in accordance with the most important, unchanging principles of the universe. There is order in this world and thanks to the many areas of knowledge, we’re learning more about it now than ever. For us humans, there are 2 mega-categories in which we would do well to develop a high level of understanding and application, especially when it comes to raising a family; they are time and life. More specifically it’s what life does as time passes. How we perceive and deal with life and its changes (ours and others) is pretty much at the root of what determines our movements, conditions, resiliencies and destinations. Our quality of life, life direction, success and fulfillment can be traced to how we view life and our understanding into its, purposes, evolutions and stages from beginning to end. When we align with the created order, centering on what matters most, we can continue to grow in vitality, freedom, grace, and gratitude." This is the core message of Family Connections Coaching. I will go more into what, why and how in upcoming issues of this newsletter as well as in my book. Hope you'll find the content encouraging and helpful. Grandest and warmest wishes to you and yours for 2017 and beyond! Book some time and let's chat about what you want to grow and develop in yourself, your family, your organization.   Cecil Wong is a Certified Executive Life Coach from San Francisco, California with over 25 years of experience in leadership and teaching. He works with children, families, individuals, organizations and companies, combining personal and professional development. Life coaching is all about getting clear about your dreams and putting the practical pieces in place to make them happen.  Family Connections Coaching is about achieving more of what matters most. Check out revamped website! FamilyConnectionsCoaching.com FamilyConnectionsCoach@gmail.com 415.420.8719  “I’ve been meeting with Cecil regularly for over a year and have benefited greatly from his coaching help. I came to him unmotivated, unemployed, unfocused, and unsure of what to expect…During the meetings, Cecil guides me through a great deal of life reflection…giving me a better understanding of my identity and value in God – and how that impacts the decisions and outcomes of my life. Most notably, I’ve recently been told on several occasions by my family and friends that they’ve noticed a great change in my connectedness with people…because I’ve grown in my capacity to love others and to love myself. I’m most proud of the progress that we’ve made in this area, since this has been particularly a struggle throughout my life and my personal resolution for 2012. Great resource of accountability and valuable insight as my life coach for the last several years. Helped me achieve much more than i can alone and to just be in a better place mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Prior to meeting with Cecil, I would often find myself at the end of year dealing with the same unresolved issues with each passing year. Working with Cecil through my life experiences (struggles, disappointments, failures, successes, etc.) has been invaluable to me. The way I see it, progress in God’s gift of life to me and the growing capacity to enjoy it is priceless. A few of the standout qualities of Cecil that I’ve appreciated and benefited from are: -strong leadership skills to guide me to a point of clarity/focus from the most confusing and lost moments -great capacity to help me make real-life connections with God’s truth should that be my desire -flexibility in accommodating my schedule  ~ G. W., San Bruno, October 10, 2013   More testimonials > ________________________ Click on the gorilla for some of Jim Collins' thoughts about B.H.A.G.'s: Click this pic for some of my thoughts on a faith BHAG:   Pull the trigger on pursuing the dream of something huge and audacious, that will rock your world and bless your relationships, maybe even change THE world!      Copyright © *|CURRENT_YEAR|* *|LIST:COMPANY|*, All rights reserved. *|IFNOT:ARCHIVE_PAGE|* *|LIST:DESCRIPTION|* Our mailing address is: *|HTML:LIST_ADDRESS_HTML|* *|END:IF|* Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list *|IF:REWARDS|* *|HTML:REWARDS|* *|END:IF|*

Newsletter: What benefits do we get from a strong, stable sense of self worth?

It's like having a weak immune system. View this email in your browser What benefits do we get from a strong, stable sense of self worth? Well, it's like a healthy immune system. We're less vulnerable to attacks from rejection and failure. We bounce back quicker from set backs. We're better at learning from mistakes. We're less chronically stressed because we're able to set healthy boundaries to balance our lives. We have energy to healthily develop ourselves through each life stage. On the other hand, what happens to us if our self esteem is low? Self blame Take things too personally, making negative feedback more stressful, resulting in less self control thus increasing mistakes and failures which leads to more self blame - a vicious cycle. Experience more pain from rejections and failures Lose sense of who we really are and become something we're not We're less persistent after failures and overgeneralize its meaning More vulnerable to anxiety and depression Higher retention of cortisol in blood And what happens if we don't do anything about it? Less likely to recover from loss and trauma We're much less adaptive. Isolate ourselves to minimize risks of rejection and pain. Increase self protection which decreases openness to emotional nutrients, help, and support With chronic higher levels of cortisol come high blood pressure, poor immune systems, suppressed thyroid glands, reduced muscle and bone density, and poor cognitive performance Feeling unworthy becomes a part of our identity and this increases resistance to positive affirmation and encouragement. Rejection of everything and everyone that does not align with our negative self perceptions (very problematic in personal relationships). So how do we increase our sense of self worth? Here are some starters: Embrace the fact that we need to strengthen our emotional immune systems (self-esteem) not beat them down. Purge emotionally abusive voices in our heads; adopt kinder / more supportive ones. Get rid of BS belief that more self-compassion will cause slacking off and decrease performance (resulting in lower self-esteem) Exercise: Identify and affirm strengths Get 2 pieces of paper On first sheet, list 10 of your attributes and achievements most meaningful to you. While brainstorming, write any negative / sarcastic thoughts on 2nd sheet. Pick most important item from 1st sheet and write brief essay with why it’s of such value and what you hope it will do for you in the future. Once essay is completed, crumple 2nd sheet and throw into garbage. On subsequent days, pick another item and write about it in like manner. For more examples and deeper explanations, pick up a copy of Emotional First Aid by Guy Winch. We aren't shooting for high self esteem which may resemble narcissism. It's more about a healthy sense of self worth that gives us both confidence and humility with an openness to emotional pain but also the ability to manage it effectively.  A strong and stable self esteem energizes us to be courageous, compassionate, and candid. And its primary purpose is to help us connect meaningfully and appropriately to those who matter most to us. Ready to increase your energy for change and elevate your leadership, strategy, commitment and execution? Book a complimentary 30-60 minute session and let's chat.   Cecil Wong is a Certified Life Coach from San Francisco, California with over 25 years of experience in leadership and teaching. He works with children, families, individuals, organizations and companies, combining personal and professional development. Life coaching is all about getting clear about your dreams and putting the practical pieces in place to make them happen.  Family Connections Coaching is about achieving more of what matters most. Check out revamped website! FamilyConnectionsCoaching.com FamilyConnectionsCoach@gmail.com 415.420.8719  Cecil is very good at what he does. I am infinitely closer to my kids and they, in turn, feel open and free to tell me what weighs on their minds. Awesome.  N. Yee, Mother & Entrepreneur    Cecil constantly provides a great support to me as a coach. He does a fantastic job really listening and asking questions to guide a more in-depth dialogue that promotes personal reflection. His thoughtful insight and guidance empowers me to always find solutions and move forward in my personal and professional growth. He has made the coaching experience very enjoyable. D.Everett, High School Counseling Director    Right from the start, Cecil asked key questions that unlocked new insights into the mind and actions of our preschooler.  His strong understanding of the grace of God our Heavenly Father helped us to see how important it was to express love and empathy to our son while he learns from the natural consequences of his mistakes.  In addition, Cecil’s experience as a parent, educator and parenting coach led him to identify key patterns of our interactions with our child, which led to specific and practical strategies for dealing with challenging situations. ~Pira & Venus Tritasavit, San Francisco More testimonials > ________________________ Click on the gorilla for some of Jim Collins' thoughts about B.H.A.G.'s:   Click this pic for some of my thoughts on a faith BHAG:     Pull the trigger on pursuing the dream of something huge and audacious, that will rock your world and bless your relationships, maybe even change THE world!      Copyright © *|CURRENT_YEAR|* *|LIST:COMPANY|*, All rights reserved. *|IFNOT:ARCHIVE_PAGE|* *|LIST:DESCRIPTION|* Our mailing address is: *|HTML:LIST_ADDRESS_HTML|* *|END:IF|* Want to change how you receive these emails? You can update your preferences or unsubscribe from this list *|IF:REWARDS|* *|HTML:REWARDS|* *|END:IF|*